Do you ever just long for quiet? I'm not talking about quieting of external noise, I mean a quiet in your soul. My husband and I have finally had a weekend to ourselves. I think it's been about 4 years since that has happened. Can I just tell you, it's been wonderful! Not that I don't adore our boys but before this weekend I honestly couldn't wrap my mind around a day where I wasn't constantly being engaged in conversations about trucks and cars and Caillou and Blues Clues and SPORTACUS for goodness sake..But since Saturday morning when I had 2 hours of total silence (imagine that ladies..) I wish the silence would not end.

You know, God has blessed us so richly lately that sometimes I'm afraid that this new found fervor in my spirit is just a by-product of His blessing on our lives. And maybe that's true. I've been praying that God would help me develop disciplines now that will help me when the desert comes because sisters, let me tell you....it'sa comin'! I think our pastor, Dr. John Ewart, said once, the harder you hit Satan the harder he hits back. Well I intend to wail on him a little bit so Lord, help me to prepare for the battle! I've been working through a book by Donald Whitney called Spiritual Disciplines for the Christian life, and it's wonderful! I know it sounds like a textbook but I promise it's easy to read and comical at times. The chapters are relatively short and have practical application points. It's really good...No seriously, get the book...GO! *poke, poke* It has changed the way I do bible study. All I have to say is no wonder I wasn't prepared for the battle when it came, my "sword" was rusty and dinged from misuse. It has changed the way I pray and the meaningfulness (is that a word?) of my prayers. Let me take a minute here and let you in on a little secret... If you don't ask....you won't receive. Shocking I know. I honestly was beginning to feel like God wasn't hearing me when I prayed but what's interesting and a little silly about that was that I wasn't really praying. I had stopped because I wasn't getting results immediately. My husband and I, and some warriors in our Sunday School class, have been praying for a job for me for about 2 years. Can you imagine my frustration at our financial hardship? I kept thinking, " Why won't He answer me!". He did and he was. What he was saying was, not now...and not here. It wasn't that He wasn't listening it was that I wasn't listening. Ouch.... Here's the great part. I have made a point of praying about everything and for everyone that needs it or asks for it. For instance, we receive a new prayer list every Wednesday night at church and I pray over that list all week long. You talk about watching the answers roll in. I don't know how I missed it before. Now granted, they're not always the answers WE want, but they are always the right answer and I'm glad of that. I don't want a god that wants my opinion, I want a God who is bigger, as a good friend once said. I don't want a god who is so small he's waiting on me to make a decision so he can move. My God knows his plan and He will have it His way. I don't know about you but I find immense comfort in that. He doesn't make mistakes so you know there is purpose in the hard times.

Lead me Lord.

Blessings to you my readers and you guessed it...I'm praying for you as you read my ramblings.

God is so good! I got the job! I can't believe it...He's truly amazing. Not only did I get the job, but it pays more than I was asking and the benefits will start immediately. No 90 day waiting period so...Derek can move up with us. What a blessing! Derek has been working crazy shifts and horrible hours for so long I can't imagine being a normal family. Actually having dinner together as a family. Sending the boys off to play with their father. Devotional times as a family...with their father. I'm so overwhelmed with joy I can't stop crying. You have to understand the significance of this so you can see God's hand in it. I have been looking for work in Louisville for the last year and a half. Not so much as a response to my resume. I signed on with a temp agency, no positions. I start applying for positions in Ohio and not a month into the search I have an interview and here we are a month and a half after the search began and I'm employed. It's amazing what will happen when you are operating inside of God's will. Or trying to anyway! He's amazing. Thank you Abba Father!

For those of you who want to be notified when the blog is updated, since I'm so random lately, please email me and I'll put a list together. Thanks!

I don't know about you but when God is "fixin" to do something big I usually get this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Not because I don't like what he does, but because I hate change. I hate it..I can't help myself. I'm an old stodger at heart. Any of my friends that are reading this might be surprised by that given the fact that we have moved 4 times in the last 6 years, not to mention my penchant for the dramatic. Somehow some kind of drama always seems to work it's way into my life. I think it's God's way of saying "Don't get cozy, sister. I'm in control here...We do it My way!" We've been hacking it out with the help of the Almighty in the form of some very generous monetary gifts, for the last 4 years. Lately though, I think God's trying to tell us it's time for a change. Derek has been working an average of 55 hours a week for the last 3 years and he's tired. Sick and tired. We've been praying for years for relief from this schedule and I think (hope) we're about to see that prayer answered. My mother just bought a house and generously asked us to move in so that we can afford to live on less income. With much prayer and leading from the Lord we've agreed to go. I can't say I'm not afraid, I am. I've had my own home for the last 6 years and it's going to be difficult to give that up. Ah, and here comes the big change. The plan is for me to go back to work. Which means I'm sending my wonderful boys to someone else during the day. Granted this is just until the insurance kicks in but the idea quite honestly makes me ill. Not because I have a hang up about whose job it is to care for my children but because I'm honestly afraid. Sure I want to be home with my sweeties, I love it and I think it's the best place for me but the best thing for my family right now is for me to help out so that Derek can get through seminary some time this century! What scares me about all this is how society is now days. It seems like every report on the news is about a child being abused, abducted, or worse murdered. Who knows if this person I trust with my children is really trust worthy. What do I do with all this fear? I take it to the Lord. Let's see what he has to say.

Psalm 4:8 says,"I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety."

The Lord alone...ALONE, is in control. I can worry all I want but ultimately it's fruitless because he controls the universe...every last bit. So I will sleep in peace KNOWING that his Word says He is in control.

Phillipians 4:6-7 says, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything with prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

God doesn't want me to worry. God doesn't want me to fear. He wants me to trust that his will is what's best. He doesn't say nothing bad will ever happen just that His peace will guard my heart and mind. My SANITY! It's a good thing God can do all things.....

How about Phillipians 4:8 "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."

When I worry what am I thinking about? I'll tell you what, it's none of those things. I have to say in the past this verse has saved me from despair. The world will tell me I have much reason to be defeated but God says, "not so!" In my darkest time I found that almost all of my thoughts were on whatever is false, whatever is unrefined, whatever is false, whatever is blemished, whatever is ugly, whatever is pitiful - anything that was failure or humiliating. Oh how I longed for my Lord and what healing came from His word.

So what do I do with my fear...I trust that God keeps his promises, and I pray for his strength and guidance because He is my El Roi....the God who sees even me. Thank you Jesus.

Adventures in Parenting

May 13, 2006

As mothers day approaches I was thinking about being a mom and what that has meant in my life. It hasn’t been long really. Wyatt, the oldest, is 3 and a half. Little Reagan is 18 months old and is the most mischievous thing! It seems like he is always trying to get one over on his poor mom and when I catch him he wrinkles up his little nose like a pug dog and grins, showing me all his teeth….he’s not a child, he’s a canine! It melts my heart every time though and I’m sure his frequency in using it testifies to the fact that he knows mommy’s wrapped around his little finger. I wasn’t so lax with Wyatt. He was a frequent member of the Time Out club at Reagan’s age. Don’t get the wrong idea now, he wasn’t being tortured just taught who was in charge..and it worked, for a while and now well, not so much. Matter of fact, now I’m not sure anything works. I really think he totally believes that daddy is the parent and the rest of us are children. We have even been teaching him the “Heirarchy of the family” (ha!). God first, Daddy and Mommy (for right now, Derek will teach him the head of the household stuff later), and then Wyatt and Reagan. Note not Wyatt then Reagan, it’s Wyatt AND Reagan. No child parenting child, that’s not a great habit to get into anyway. Believe me the desire to parent the younger child doesn’t go away when the younger child is old enough to make decisions for themselves. Sorry, I’m chasing a rabbit here….back to topic.

So what has it meant to be a mother. It means more understanding of my mother and the way she does things and how very HARD it must have been to do it on your own. Oh how much more I appreciate her now that I know how difficult it is with two parents. It means never going to the bathroom again without wondering what is going on while you’re in there. Once I came out of the bathroom only to find Wyatt dumping baby powder on Reagan’s head. There was baby powder everywhere. At the time we had hard wood floors so sweeping it was unbelievable, dust flew everywhere. I had to open the windows so I wouldn’t choke to death! Meanwhile Reagan looks like a snowman and quite literally had a tiny mountain of powder on the end of his nose. He wasn’t crawling yet so he really couldn’t get away from Wyatt once it started. I couldn’t decide to laugh or cry…I chose both. Once the bedroom was cleaned up I set out to clean up the boys. What an unbelievable mess. I really wanted to hang Reagan upside down and shake all the excess off but I figured CPS would be hanging out on my porch if I did. So I combed his hair. I tell you what, it was horrible. The comb barely made it through his hair and it really didn’t help much. I gave up and bathed him. Finally, after about 3 hair washings he looked reasonably clean. Needless to say, I put the baby powder (that never gets used) away from creative hands and prayed that there wouldn’t be a problem with their little lungs. This is just one example of all the little messes that come from having kids. Sadly, while some pray heartily every day for the opportunity to live with these little messes those who have them pray for a day without them.

Even when I’m pulling my hair out and feel like I’ve spent all day screaming, “get out of that/there”, “What are you doing!”, “Stop Screaming!”, etc, I’m happy for the blessing these children are. Even when I’m combing baby powder out of their hair.


“Her Children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her:
‘Many women do noble things but you surpass them all’” Proverbs 31:28-29

I don’t know what you reach for everyday. Do you have a goal? Is it to be an ok mother, or do you want to be a mother your children respect and love wholly. The verses in Proverbs are my goal. There are days, lots of them, that I fall woefully short. OK…not even close but I’m trying, and everyday I’m praying that God will make me new. Every day I start again. It’s not about the PTA or how other mothers see you and what kind of parent they think you are. It’s about what you hear in the quietness of your heart. Do they see Christ in you or do they see that everyone outside the house is what’s important inside the house. What kind of mother do you want to be?

May 10, 2006

During a business meeting today I was reminded why we dread business meetings. Inevitably in every church there is a member or two…or three….or hundred who mistake God’s house for their own. In this case the chairman of the Trustees publicly harangues the youth pastor for painting the youth area without the permission of the Trustees, although he kept saying I and me…but that is beside the point. He has a point as far as the chain of command but when he said “it was the worst paint job I have ever seen” I about blew my top. Those were teenagers who worked hard to paint their youth room. They chose a color, albeit not the most popular color there is, that made the place their own. At any rate, he berated their work and their creativity and I was angry. A “righteous anger” I thought. I was ready to tell him a thing or two, or maybe I should email the pastor and tell him how awful this person had behaved but SOMETHING had to be done……didn’t it? Let’s see what the Bible says about my “righteous anger”.

Psalm 39:1 says “I said, “I will watch my ways and keep my tongue from sin; I will put a muzzle on my mouth as long as the wicked are in my presence.”

Isn’t it amazing how our TONGUE gets us into so much trouble. “ I will put a muzzle on my mouth”, amazing. That’s exactly what needed to happen and I think the Lord put a Holy Muzzle on my mouth. God be praised because Lord knows…well…anyway…

Proverbs 10: 19-21 says “When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise. The tongue of the righteous is choice silver, but the heart of the wicked is of little value. The lips of the righteous nourish many, but fools die for lack of judgment.”

How true! Sometimes doesn’t it feel like the more we say the bigger the hole we’re digging? And in the end don’t we wish we had just kept silent. If I had a nickel for every time I wish I had kept silent I would be a wealthy woman. The tongue of the righteous…..don’t’ you wonder what that is really? Who is that person with the tongue of the righteous? It’s not me I’ll tell you that! I wish it were…Maybe our silence keeps our tongue righteous while the heart of the wicked although they seem to have the upper hand, is of little value in the eternal scheme of things. Oh to have righteous lips that nourish many. Do you know what that means? Think about it. If you are nourishing with your lips you aren’t satisfying the stomach, you’re satisfying the mind….the soul even. Can you imagine having such control over our over run mouths that we nourish someone’s mind and soul when we speak? Only with God is that even remotely possible….at least for me!

Those verses keep my tongue under control, but what about my judgment of this person. My gut reaction was that he was being vicious but what does the Bible say about my judgment?

Matthew 7:1-5 says (as if you don’t know this one from over usage…) “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye’, when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”

Ow., ow, ouch…Have I not, too, had moments when my mouth overstepped it’s bounds and was unrighteous…..hypocrite is right. It’s been a long time since I’ve really felt ashamed of myself for something I hought was justified. He may have been in the wrong but how many times have I been in the wrong……today? Yesterday? Last Week? Guess I better start working on this plank in my eye….forget the plank, maybe log is more appropriate.

I Corinthians 4:4 says, “My conscience is clear but that does not make me innocent. It is the Lord who judges me.”

It is the Lord who judges me…..and everyone else. Shame on me for judging him when it’s God’s job. Who am I to presume to know the Lord’s judgment. My goodness what pride…..eek! That’s a whole other ball of wax….

Okay so I’m controlling my tongue, I’m not going to judge, but what about the anger….the hurt in my heart for the harshness of his words. What does the bible say about anger?

Psalm 4:4 says, “ In your anger do not sin; when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent.”

My anger caused me to sin that’s for sure. And doesn’t anger almost always cause us to sin? I really can’t think of a time when it didn’t. I have to be honest here and say I’m not sure of the significance of “when you are on your bed” but in my personal opinion solely based on my habits, when I am angry I dwell on it…I roll it around in my head like a pool ball that just won’t get in the pocket. When I try to sleep, it’s near impossible because I have worked myself up to a tizzy over something that probably isn’t that big of a deal. I should be searching my heart (for scripture in my opinion) and being….SILENT. There’s that hold your tongue stuff again….. I think I’m starting to get it now Lord…I think, I hope….

James 1:19-20 says, “ My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.”

Is God a smart cookie or what….I mean seriously! He knew from the beginning of time our anger would get our mouths moving and shut our ears off. That God of ours…whew! My husband has a poster on the fridge that says “Life can be frustrating; Thank Goodness God has all the answers!” Can a girl get an amen?! God wants us to be righteous and how does anger fit into that? It doesn’t. IT DOESN’T! Yikes….

Are you thinking what I’m thinking? There’s no such thing as righteous anger….it’s an oxymoron as far as I’m concerned. What about Jesus over turning the tables at the temple, you say? In Mark 11:12-19 we see the story about Jesus driving out those buying and selling at the temple.. It doesn’t say anywhere in that passage of scripture that Jesus was angry. That’s a Hollywood adaptation or even an assumption on our part. As a matter of fact it says that he drove them out and as he did he TAUGHT (V. 17) them what they were doing was wrong. It reminds me of parenting in a way. Your children frustrate you when they do things wrong (my friends have seen, and heard, my frustration on occasion) so what should you do? Teach them the right thing to do through discipline. Getting angry does nothing but put on a show…an unrighteous one at that. So even the supposed Righteous anger of our Lord wasn’t anger at all, it was discipline.

God is amazing in His understanding of us and the messed up way we think, and there is healing in His Word. I feel so much better than I did in that moment of my supposed “righteous anger”. Maybe I’ll just encourage the youth pastor for engaging the kids in a project to help them work as a team. Maybe I’ll even point out what a nice job they did…..*wink*

Ah, come quickly Lord Jesus….